it was FUNNY when Monty Python did it

CAPTAIN FRANCESCO SCHETTINO
AUDIO

TRANSCRIPT
Port Authority: Schettino, listen to me, there are people trapped onboard, now you go back, you will go with your rescue boat under the stern of the ship, there are some steps, you climb those steps and you get onboard and you get back to me letting me know how many people are on board. Is that clear to you? I am actually recording this conversation captain.
[inaudible, captain mumbles]

PA: Speak in a loud voice.

Captain: So, the ship right now [inaudible]...

PA: Speak in a loud voice! Put your hand by the microphone to cover it and speak up! Is that clear?

Voices in the background: "Tell him to come here. Tell him to come here."

Captain: So, right now the ship is tilted…

PA: I understand that. Listen to me, there are people that are getting off using the rope ladder on the stern side, you go back there and you go up that ladder the opposite way, you go onboard the ship and you tell me how many people [are there] And what they need. You tell me if there are children, women or people that need assistance and you give me a number for each one of these categories is that clear? Look Schettino, you may have saved yourself from the sea but will put you through a lot of trouble it will be very bad for you! Get back on board for [expletive]'s sake!!!

Captain: Officer, please.

PA: There are no "pleases"! Get back on board! Please assure me that you are going back on board.

Captain: I am here on the rescue boat. I'm right here, I didn't go anywhere else, I'm here.

PA: What are you doing captain?

Captain: I'm here to coordinate rescue operations.

PA: What are you coordinating? Get back on board and coordinate rescue operations from onboard the ship.
[silence, sound cuts out]

PA: Do you refuse to do that?

Captain: No, I'm not refusing to do that.

PA: Are you refusing to back on board?

Captain: No, I am not refusing to go back. I am not going because the other rescue boat stopped.

PA: Get back on board! This is an order! You don't need to make any other assessment. You have declared that you have abandoned ship, therefore I'm in command. Get back on board right now is that clear?

Captain: Officer…

PA: Can you not hear me?

Captain: I'm getting back on board.

PA: Then go! And call me right away when you are on board. There's my rescuer there.

Captain: Where is your rescuer?

PA: My rescuer is on the stern side, go! There are already bodies, Schettino! Go!

Captain: Officer how many bodies are there?

PA: I don't know. I know about one… I've heard about one, but you must tell me! [expletive]!

Captain: Do you realize it's dark out here and we can't see anything?

PA: What do you want to do ? Do you want to go home? It's dark so you want to go home? Get on the stern of that ship climb the ladder and tell me what can be done, how many people are there and what they need. Right now!

Captain: I'm here with my second officer.

[Schettino identifies second officer.]

PA: You and your second officer must get back on board right now is that clear?

Captain: I just wanted to tell you that the other rescue boat here with other rescuers stopped. It's just stopped. Now I've called the other rescuers.

PA: You've been telling me the same thing for an hour now get back on board! On board! And you get back to me right away telling me how many people are there.

Captain: It's fine officer, I'm going.

PA: Then go, right now!

MONTY PYTHON
Audio

Captain	(over tannoy) This is your captain speaking. There is no need for panic. Woman and children first. I repeat that, women and children first.
	.
Captain	Do not rush for the lifeboats - remember, women and children first.
First Officer	And Red Indians!
Captain	(putting his hand over the PA) What did you have to get dressed up like that for?
First Officer	It was the only thing left.
Captain	Oh. All right. (into the PA) Women, children and Red Indians...
Second Officer	And spacemen!
Captain	Here is a revised list. Women, children, Red Indians and spacemen, (hand over PA) what's that meant to be?
Third Officer	Well it's a sort of impression of what a kind of Renaissance courtier artist might have looked like at the court of one of the great families like the Medicis or the Borgias...
Fourth Officer	No it's not, it's more Flemish than Italian.
Fifth Officer	Yes - that's a Flemish merchant of the fifteenth or sixteenth centuries...
Third Officer	What! With these tassles?
Fourth Officer	Yes, yes. They had those fined doublets going tapering down into the full hose you know - exactly like that.
Captain	(into the PA) One moment, please, don't panic. (puts his hand over the PA) Now, what is it meant to be? I've got to tell them something. .. is it a Flemish merchant?
Third Officer	No, it is not a Flemish merchant. It's more a sort of idealized version of the complete Renaissance Man...
Captain	Oh, all right.
Fourth Officer	It's not...
Captain	All right! All right! (into the PA) this is your captain speaking... do not rush for the lifeboats ... women, children, Red Indians, spacemen (stock film of long shot of sinking vessel, the voice over fading) and a sort of idealized version of complete Renaissance Men first!

UPDATE!!!
It gets better!  The Captain NOW says he tripped and FELL into the lifeboat.  Monty Python can't come up with anything as absurd as this!


'The passengers were pouring on to the decks, taking the lifeboats by assault,'' he said, according to the newspaper. ''I didn't even have a lifejacket because I had given it to one of the passengers. I was trying to get people to get into the boats in an orderly fashion. Suddenly, since the ship was at a 60-to-70-degree angle, I tripped and I ended up in one of the boats. ''